What are you voting about?

Good Afternoon Aotearoa! Not A Party here again, just letting you know that we’re once again deserving of a good solid pat on the back and literally nothing else. Our battle-hardened electoral time-wasting veterans have teamed up with a couple of fresh-faced young no-hopers and we can now present to you the Not A Party candidates for the 2020 election.

As with all our endeavours we are extremely confident that we will successfully lose every electorate we stand in, thereby becoming Not The MPs for our respective electorates and giving the proud and dedicated non-voters of New Zealand absolutely no representation whatsoever, which is exactly what they have asked for.

From the green forests of Coromandel, we present Bob Wessex, proud holder of the NAP world heavyweight championship belt for receiving the lowest number of votes in the entire country at the last general election. Bob is working tirelessly to do absolutely nothing for the voters of Coromandel, please do not vote for her.

From the depressed inner city dung-pile that is Epsom we give you Finn Harris, the youngest ever NAP candidate and one to watch in the future as his skills at doing nothing are already astronomically good. Truly he is the man to represent the non-voter in the most corrupt electorate in the country, gifted to one scumbag by a party of scumbags, often forgotten by the country because it’s just too painful to remember. What Epsom needs is a good strong cup of Finn Harris to calm its nerves and realise that these career politicians are a very expensive way to achieve nothing, we can help you do it for free.

From the sandy beaches and retirement villages of Mana, our party secretary Richard Goode. By far the sexiest and most based boomer to ever exist on the NZ political scene, Richard wrote the book on why democracy has failed us and why you shouldn’t vote. We haven’t read it yet because we’re lazy as all fuck but it’s probably quite good. I’d tell you the title of it but I’ve only made it up to flesh out this paragraph so hard luck.

From the electorate that pretends it’s in the country but is realistically just North Wellington and its retarded cousins—Ōhāriu—and in all honesty probably from a jail cell somewhere that the government doesn’t want you to know about is Liam Walsh, survivor of the 2018 Northcote by-election. Often described by historians as “really fucking boring and a huge waste of time”, Liam is determined to bring that energy to the Ōhāriu electorate this year. He’s attending any meeting anyone invites him to on the condition that they don’t expect him to prepare anything and that he’s allowed to swear as often as he likes. Surely not even the most disengaged voter could send a vote this way, the man has been accused of domestic terrorism by many very upset nazis after one of their rallies was cancelled.

From the deep and funky south, Rangitata to be precise, where the waterways are polluted but less polluted than Auckland’s and the incest isn’t exactly condoned but it’s certainly not frowned upon either, James Rae. James is a well known local piss pusher down the RSA and is the only one of us to do any real media so far so probably the most deserving of your non-vote. In an electorate with some of the highest numbers of white supremacists in the country James is a beacon of hope when it comes to making sure not only that their views will not be heard in parliament but also that no one else’s will either, why bother, they’ll all just do what they want anyway.

If you’ve persevered through all of this I’ve got some absolutely fantastic news for you, you’re finished, there is nothing else left to do, we don’t want you to vote for us, we dont want you to vote at all, stay home and take some drugs or spend time with your family or masturbate or something. You’ve heard all the election promises, lies and trickery before. Every election over 1 million New Zealanders don’t even bother voting and just keep getting on with things, why not join them?

And to all the voters out there, ask yourself one simple question on our behalf—What are you voting about?